Help With Infidelity in Marriage
lt answer to narrow down.
People commonly have affairs because they feel they lack something in their current relationship, be it attention, sexual gratification, affection, or emotional support.
People with addictions to drugs or alcohol are also more likely to be unfaithful to their partners.
Those facts considered, some people in happy relationships have affairs for the simple reason that they can.
Learning what constitutes infidelity in marriage
Everyone expects fidelity when they enter the marriage union, but bonding to one another under the law doesn’t always mean you get what you want.
So what constitutes infidelity in marriage? What is considered cheating in a marriage?
Infidelity in a marriage is trespassing whatever you and your partner decided it meant when you became a married couple.
You may feel like your husband kissing another woman is wrong, but is not necessarily cheating.
You may feel that your wife having an emotional affair with your friend is worse than her having a purely physical relationship with someone else.
Or perhaps you feel there is no leeway, and cheating in marriage is cheating in any shape or form.
Infidelity definition or definition of affair in marriage has different connotations for different people.
The definition of infidelity in marriage can broadly be attributed to the violation of a couple’s mutually negotiated and agreed upon contract or understanding regarding emotional and/or sexual exclusivity.
What are the signs that your spouse may be cheating? Sometimes you know, and sometimes you don’t. When infidelity happens in a marriage or other committed relationship, one of the worst parts can be all the lies.
Someone you have loved for so long suddenly is keeping secrets, and it hurts. The big question is, why is your spouse cheating?
First, realize that there are many ways to cheat, and there are many signs of a cheating partner in a relationship. There can be both emotional infidelity and physical infidelity signs.
There doesn’t seem to be a huge difference between infidelity signs in a woman or infidelity signs in a man; though each person is different. Trust your gut.
Some cheating partners do end up telling their significant other, but many don’t. So how do you find out if your spouse is cheating or not?
How to avoid infidelity
Prevention is better than cure and avoiding infidelity in marriage by working on your relationship can save both of you from a lot of heartbreak. There are different ways you can intentionally avoid the situation and it takes effort from both partners. In studies conducted on 233 couples by researchers at the Florida State University, it was found that biases related to attractive relationship alternatives can help avoid infidelity in relationships.
Three “Bs” that can prevent infidelity
1. Be intentional
Most couples I meet in the counseling office seeking to repair or rescue their marriage acknowledge they got busy with other things and looking back, see that they lost focus on their spouse. Not intentionally, over time the job, the kids, Netflix, and the latest gaming app slid into the space they used to reserve for one another.
A huge part of the successful marriage solution is carving out time to connect on a regular basis. Profound, I know.
It’s not necessarily the amount of time shared, it’s the act of the time shared. One helpful idea is to create a “reconnection ritual” you can look forward to each evening after returning home. It can be anything from sharing a glass of wine together to trading back rubs to watching a funny video to relax. Have fun and see what ideas will work for you and your spouse.
2. Be available
This “be” follows naturally from the first. Make wise use of the moments you’re together under the same roof. In today’s technologically centric world, we have one more “thing” we can do that makes us look busy to our spouses. Often, we don’t want to interrupt (or we do, but fear the repercussions) so we spend lots of time in silence, waiting for an opening, or we get busy in our own little world.
I call this being unintentionally unavailable. Risk it- let your spouse know you’d like to connect! If your talk time is mostly organizational about schedule and responsibilities, you’ll find it’s not enough to feed the relationship well. Women often complain that they don’t feel their husbands listen to them when they try to bring up what’s important to them.
US guys often see such spouse conversations as an invitation to fix the problem and save the day, missing the wife’s reason for even bringing up the subject. View conversations as opportunities to hear the state of your union from your spouse’s point of view. The goal isn’t necessarily agreement, it’s availability.
I like to say, “The sexiest trait in a mate is the willingness to change.” Often when spouses feel they can share their hearts AND be heard, change happens.
3. Beware
As if we needed Ashley Madison’s tagline “Life is short. Have an affair,” to remind us that marriage is not held in the same high regard as it once was, take it upon yourself to defend your marriage, from enemies foreign and domestic.
- When you’re apart, watch your step. Affairs don’t begin with giant steps, but baby steps. Keep good company. Spend time with friends who value your marriage. If your friends don’t, you can find some that do. We all need a wingman or wing gal to help us fly right sometimes.
- Now about those domestic enemies, otherwise known as children. You’ll have to prevent them for stealing your couple time because they will take everything you offer them. Set boundaries about interrupting during waking hours and staying in their rooms after bedtime rituals. They can figure it out, and you’ll send them a great message about how to do their future marriage one day.
These three “be’s” are a good place to start to keep your marriage well nurtured and solid. Hey, marriage works if you work.
How to recover from infidelity
Infidelity does not mean that the relationship has to end. Recovering from infidelity can seem very difficult, but it’s possible. It takes two to manage the relationship and also to get it back on track. Following certain steps in the recovery process for coping with infidelity can help, but professional help from an infidelity therapist is also necessary in many cases to work through infidelity. To recover from infidelity in marriage, cheating must end immediately. Recovery takes time but establishing accountability and boundaries is one of the essential stages of coping with infidelity. Managing negative thoughts, feelings, and emotions is also important for working through an affair, says Counselor Lesley A Cross. Here’s an insightful piece of advice from her where she explains in detail
How to Recover from Infidelity.
Recovery From Infidelity With Transparency- Possible?
Infidelity. Affair. Cheating. Betrayal. They’re all ugly words. None of us want to even say them aloud. And certainly, none of us want to use them to describe our marriages. After all, we vowed, “till death do us apart”…
For many, those vows are true that, a vow. But when infidelity enters a marriage, that line of the wedding ceremony is often quickly replaced with “as long as we both shall love” and then the march to the best divorce attorney begins.
Infidelity doesn’t have to result in divorce
But this doesn’t have to be the case. While infidelity is often cited as a prominent cause for the termination of a marriage, it doesn’t really have to end it. In fact, many couples who experience infidelity do not let it end their marriage but instead, take the painful attack on their vows and turn it into a marriage-strengthening opportunity.
Affairs don’t mean the end. Instead, they may lead to the beginning of a marriage you never had before- but with the same partner.
Things can never be the same as they were before
When working through marital struggles, couples often share (anything from communication to infidelity) that they “just want to go back to the way it used to be.” To that the answer always is- ‘you can’t. You can’t go backward. You can’t undo what’s happened. You’re never going to be the same as you were before.” But this isn’t always a bad thing.
There is hope if both partners are committed to making the relationship work
Once infidelity has been discovered- and the extramarital relationship has been ended- the married couple decides they want to work on their marriage. There is hope. There is a mutually desired foundation. The path ahead can be confusing, rocky, and difficult but the climb is ultimately well worth it for those dedicated to rebuilding the marriage. Recovering from an affair is not an easy 1-2-3 routine for either party in a relationship. Both people in the relationship suffer- differently – yet the marriage suffers together. One key component to recovery is full transparency.
1. Full transparency within support circles
Couples undergoing infidelity recovery can’t do this alone. The temptation for the betrayed is to gain support – to circle the wagons and share the pain they’re experiencing. The betrayer doesn’t want the truth known as it’s embarrassing and hurtful and leaves further pain to others. Neither is wrong. However, the transparency does need to be shared in a way it doesn’t actually hurt the support circles or hurt the couple more. If full disclosure of the affair is shared with support circles (parents, friends, in-laws, children even) it forces that person to make a decision. How/who do they support. They’re triangulated. And they’re not the ones in therapy processing and working things out. This is unfair to them. While it’s tempting to want to share for comfort and support, it’s a delicate conversation to have with the support systems. This is an awkward and emotionally challenging conversation to have with friends, family, and colleagues- but if you’re going to make your marriage something it has never been before – you’re going to have to do things you’ve never done before. Complete honesty yet still keeping some of the trauma private to the relationship is one of those things. People around you will perhaps know that there is a struggle you’re facing. Share with them that there is indeed a struggle. Sharing this does not need to be a bashing of either person but simply stating the facts. “We are dedicated to saving our marriage and making it something we’ve never had before. We have been rocked to the core recently and are going to work through it. We would appreciate your love and support as we work together on building our marriage to where it needs to be.” You don’t need to answer questions or share intimate details but you need to be transparent that things aren’t perfect and you’re dedicated to your future. Support of loved ones will be critical in the climb ahead. Keeping some of the details private though allows the couple to actually heal better as they aren’t forced to work through the affair together- and then later still have the judgment, questions, or unsolicited advice from the triangulated party.
2. Full transparency within the relationship
Transparency must exist between couples. No question can go unanswered. If the betrayed needs/wants details – they deserve to know them. Hiding the truth only leads to a potential secondary trauma later when details are discovered. These, too, are difficult conversations to have but in order to move forward, a couple must face the past with honesty and transparency. (For the person asking the questions, it is important to also realize you may not want every answer and to decide what you really do/don’t want to know in order to heal.)
3. Full transparency with technology
Today’s world of social media and devices easily lends itself to relationship struggles, including ease of meeting new people and hiding inappropriate relationships. Couples need to have access to one another’s devices. This doesn’t mean you use it, but the accountability of knowing passwords, security codes, and the option to view texts/emails is important. This not only helps build trust but also adds accountability to the relationship too.
4. Full transparency with self
This is maybe the hardest to have. The betrayer often wants to think once the affair has ended that things will be “normal” for them. Wrong. They need to realize why they had the affair(s). What led to them? Why were they tempted? What prevented them from being faithful? What did they like? Being transparent with ourselves is very difficult, but when we know ourselves truly, we can change our path to ensure we’re climbing where we want to go.
Full transparency is one of the hardest aspects of recovery. But with dedication, even when it is easier to conceal, transparency can help the relationship to take steps toward building a foundation of truth and strength.
Reference(s)
https://www.marriage.com/
Wikipedia
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